The role of insomnia, reduced wellbeing from a decayed molar that ultimately compromised my health and mental faculties.

 Better yet how I let my health get out of tune and allowed myself to get comfortable and check out of my reality.

What happens when you get tired and escape your reality with a relationship that you are not ready for?

What happens when you compromise your standards?

What happens when you let a person with less mobility compromise your physical standards then they notice and ask you why don’t you take better care of yourself?

What happens when you burn out and enter insanity of insomnia, device addiction, and an obsession for social commentary in a one neatly packaged family set up for failure, eat ice cream all winter, sleep with an compulsively itchy dog and an uncompromising emotionally crippled late middle aged woman who is seemingly bleeding to death from her vagina, but wants oral sex, but can’t let you know when she stops bleeding long enough to do so, but is caught up in I won’t suck your dick, unless you eat my pussy and get sore about it because I’m not a vampire, know that you have to move out of your storage unit and you tell her over the holiday, but you are comfortable with binge watching movies and it’s cold outside and you have been living hand to mouth for so long and she wants you to move in rather quickly, but you know better and say so, but she gets upset and you suck at working through these things, you want a bit of space, but are too comfortable, but love her too much to leave her alone, then you lose your shit because you neglected to say what you need and hey it’s just shit anyway in a big world that no one really cares about your shit and is it worth anything when you die, but your sad because it was the shit you had, and you get stressed and get sick from a rotten tooth from eating too much ice cream and are crazy from an itchy dog that interrupts your sleep and sex and can’t say shit, because you realize it’s the dog who gets to stay and by now you are depending on her somehow emotionally for support because you lost your shit and are sad? This is what happens, you lose your shit, your tooth, your mind and try to make sense of it all, but can’t, you eat out when you know you should stay in, you stay when you know you should leave, you reveal who you are at that point in time and the gloss is worn out off, you are tired and you interrupt her, she thinks you are disrespecting her, because she nearly hates men anyway, and the me too movement comes along and you are guilty because you have a penis, and you are stuck in the apartment with this dog who you struggle for your place in the pack with. Spring comes around, she hates you because you got yourself broke and borrow money from her that she really gifted, but not really gifted and your borrowing plan falls through because you just can’t ask the person who you have given so much too hates you because of petty jealousy and wants to put you down to make themselves feel bigger and better and is jealous you see your son and he can’t see his because he is such a dick. Now she wants her money back and you just borrowed it and you are still losing sleep and your tooth is starting to kill you, you’ve lost your shit and know she’s losing hers, because she feels like you just ripped her off because she’s from long island and her dad is a selfish dick and she was subjugated by an evil step mother that made her rebel and move to the city to become an artist and had to scrap for everything and nearly started a race riot working as a waitress in a soul food restaurant whose patrons lost their shit because they deemed her soulless and white, so know this person who you have put your life in their hands is ranting how you are thief of the lowest order and your word is shit, she is pissed off and bleeding from her vagina and you get back in the bed to lay awake and listen to the dog scratch himself till he is bleeding, he has a tooth ache too and he gets his taken care of and your head is on fire from infection in your throbbing molar, school is going to shit and you decide you had better get a job, so you do and start to pay her back, but your still a thief and a liar, so she starts in by leaving you out of stuff and treating you different and you get most of the 221.00 + 350.00 + 150. 00 paid back inside of a month at your own peril. With a 178.00 balance due and she’s acting like a debt collector at week 5 and nothing you have done, the chores, the cooking, the picking up the dog, being a plumber for her house and her friends doesn’t buy you any slack. She stays out late on you, treats you different, lies to you, acts loud when you ask why did you stand me up, then rants on you until you are packing your shit and here I am writing about this back in my shack in the middle of the night wondering what the fuck happened? Asking myself what I want to do with myself after I pay her back the rest of her cash on Friday and it is clear she really isn’t going to get better from all of this and the world is wide open and I should leave her in her apartment with her mortgage her fucked up HOA and itchy dog with her precious shit. The city is a cold place and it can be colder, and people throw each other away like refuse, they are mean and insufferable, yes, I said it. Rock star musicians, who have chosen an urban burial ground and are aging out fast, and vain ambitions are put before interests of the heart, I’ll just be another underlying mention is a verse soon to be forgotten in a struggling heap of attention seekers. I was a muse for a lackluster man hating daisy cutter who is pissed off at the whole fucking world who is slowly given to the vino and spends her time in the bars still trying to maintain herself in her position of nothing. Fuck this town, fuck these ruthless assholes. I ‘m worried she killed her birds to keep from killing me, that shit didn’t add up. It’s 3:30 I’m tired finally and she still hates me, I still owe her and I still have to go to work to pay of all this shit.