Airing it Out

Getting honest about choosing to rebound and my needs being put upon an unwitting victim.

I left a bad relationship in anger and chose to date someone I thought I respected on social media.

I meant to only date this person and have fun with someone else, instead they were immediately

available to start a relationship. I was still processing my anger and grief from the last relationship and

wasn’t completely available. Instead I made the poor choice to try and get over girl number 1 while

 fostering a new relationship with the new girl.

The subject arose about sex and intimacy, the thing I missed about girl number 1 was that she was a sexual athlete, a well-balanced eater, non-drinker and in extremely good condition physically. New girl on the other hand, well she was dealing with a hip defect, she couldn’t walk normally, she had a hard time with her hips that made it difficult and painful to spread her legs while getting busy, so it required a great deal of me shifting gears to accommodate her physical mechanics. I was used to power walking for cardio with girl number 1, new girl was out of breath fast and had to remind me to slow down. New girl was honest about having herpes outbreaks and had that talk with me and, although I have never had an outbreak, many women I have been with had herpes. I asked my doctor to test me the last time I had a std checkup and he advised me not to and said it invites too many implications and that more people have it than don’t once they are adults and begin having sex unprotected with others.  I told her it was quite possible that I already have it. She was post-menopausal, had irregular bleeding, and a case of vaginitis that made it difficult to want to go down on her, I was honest, and she got it handled. She was honest about her affinity for daily wine. I really felt at home with this lady, my mistake was moving too quickly and getting involved too deeply and avoiding the pain that was surfacing by avoiding my own construct of a life which in a few months would come crashing down on me and I would be punished by my own avoidance. I literally quit going home and neglected my mail, my obligations and as a starving student, I tried to keep up with her with all the binging she liked to do, she would go out several times a week and was willing to pay for me, but my pride would get in the way and I ran through my financial aid award and the small after school job was serving to pay my child support. The consequences were that I lost my storage unit, in which caused me a great deal of remorse and grief in turn alerted my new love that I was hiding things internally, going on; causing her not to trust me. I wound up having to borrow money from her in a panic with no clear plan, only an idea of how I might pay it back, which would fall through. Things began to unravel and I had fallen in love with her, was feeling I was getting past the past, but I had a train wreck and shut down and couldn’t tell her I was dishonest, I had used her to get over someone else that I was at a loss for, I used her for the comforts she offered, I used her as a place to dump my emotions, and dump my seed in. I stood by and watched her unravel from me, began departing emotionally, began drinking and hanging out and doing things with others and avoid breaking up with me, but kept me around so she could ventilate her anger. She, being an entirely complex educated person, mature in many ways, but her ability to express herself venomously and physical arose, things were starting to happen and there were unexplained things starting to happen, she literally was becoming Kali and was about to hand me my head on a stick.

So here I was, reactive and angry about two women, and if I am honest, a few more than that. She ultimately asked for space, and I could feel her leaving orbit and as the week wore on, I had a break in school and decided I needed to talk. I called and texted, she was not getting back to me. I started to make my way across town, and I had anxiety in the pit of my stomach as I made my way through traffic, what was I to find? Was it Doug and her? What was it? I had a key and a door code, I parked my car, went to the door and my heart sank as I entered the numbers and they didn’t work, just then a neighbor that was familiar with me was coming out and I went in and said thanks. I went to her door put my key in, and she wasn’t there, but her dog was glad to see me. I found what I was looking for, the notes on the table revealed her time off from me was her in fact just cleaning up my stuff and getting me ready for the boot. She had an estimate of new locks and rekeying. I had some mangoes and things with me I thought we would eat, and instead I took the time to scrawl with my sharpie in my pocket on each one Let’s be friends, 3 words, three mangoes, but by god I was pissed at her underhanded way of not just asking for the key back. I told her not to contact me on my angry goodbye note, gathered all the things I could find and remember. I packed my car, went back across town, and realized I still had valuables in her place. The next day was pay day, all of this forced me into action to get a job and pay her back as quickly as I could, I stopped by a mutual friend’s house and dropped the remaining money from the loan on him. I was still angry, and she was angry in the manner that I left and got my stuff (“I was sneaky”).

I took very little satisfaction on springing her trap and getting to initiate the parting blow. I had left instruction that I didn’t want contact. I wanted to control the situation, I wanted her to suffer the humiliation of being dumped. I must ask myself the basic question. Didn’t I initiate all of this? Did I not ask her out? Did I not hide that I needed more time to get over girl number 1? Did I not hide a few things that would make her distrust me? I ham-handed this breakup, as stated earlier; did I not use her in several ways? It sucks. I not only lost someone that I had grown to care deeply for, I lost my self-respect, lost the friend I had made. She contacted me with an element of kindness, she was feeling bad, since she contacted me after I asked for a clean break, I just pretty much said whatever I wanted, carelessness was the theme and I shoved her away. I attacked her disfunction and her pride. It is only after some time to reflect, I have remorse for the way I have hurt her in resulting in that “I am not welcome”.

I have nothing but time to reflect now, not morbidly, but time to get my shit together and see my part and grow up some more and try to do things differently. If I am given another chance to have a tender intimate relationship, I say to myself; less disfunction, more honesty, less codependency, more responsibility towards others emotional safety. I was reckless.