The role of insomnia, reduced wellbeing from a decayed molar that ultimately compromised my health and mental faculties.

 Better yet how I let my health get out of tune and allowed myself to get comfortable and check out of my reality.

What happens when you get tired and escape your reality with a relationship that you are not ready for?

What happens when you compromise your standards?

What happens when you let a person with less mobility compromise your physical standards then they notice and ask you why don’t you take better care of yourself?

What happens when you burn out and enter insanity of insomnia, device addiction, and an obsession for social commentary in a one neatly packaged family set up for failure, eat ice cream all winter, sleep with an compulsively itchy dog and an uncompromising emotionally crippled late middle aged woman who is seemingly bleeding to death from her vagina, but wants oral sex, but can’t let you know when she stops bleeding long enough to do so, but is caught up in I won’t suck your dick, unless you eat my pussy and get sore about it because I’m not a vampire, know that you have to move out of your storage unit and you tell her over the holiday, but you are comfortable with binge watching movies and it’s cold outside and you have been living hand to mouth for so long and she wants you to move in rather quickly, but you know better and say so, but she gets upset and you suck at working through these things, you want a bit of space, but are too comfortable, but love her too much to leave her alone, then you lose your shit because you neglected to say what you need and hey it’s just shit anyway in a big world that no one really cares about your shit and is it worth anything when you die, but your sad because it was the shit you had, and you get stressed and get sick from a rotten tooth from eating too much ice cream and are crazy from an itchy dog that interrupts your sleep and sex and can’t say shit, because you realize it’s the dog who gets to stay and by now you are depending on her somehow emotionally for support because you lost your shit and are sad? This is what happens, you lose your shit, your tooth, your mind and try to make sense of it all, but can’t, you eat out when you know you should stay in, you stay when you know you should leave, you reveal who you are at that point in time and the gloss is worn out off, you are tired and you interrupt her, she thinks you are disrespecting her, because she nearly hates men anyway, and the me too movement comes along and you are guilty because you have a penis, and you are stuck in the apartment with this dog who you struggle for your place in the pack with. Spring comes around, she hates you because you got yourself broke and borrow money from her that she really gifted, but not really gifted and your borrowing plan falls through because you just can’t ask the person who you have given so much too hates you because of petty jealousy and wants to put you down to make themselves feel bigger and better and is jealous you see your son and he can’t see his because he is such a dick. Now she wants her money back and you just borrowed it and you are still losing sleep and your tooth is starting to kill you, you’ve lost your shit and know she’s losing hers, because she feels like you just ripped her off because she’s from long island and her dad is a selfish dick and she was subjugated by an evil step mother that made her rebel and move to the city to become an artist and had to scrap for everything and nearly started a race riot working as a waitress in a soul food restaurant whose patrons lost their shit because they deemed her soulless and white, so know this person who you have put your life in their hands is ranting how you are thief of the lowest order and your word is shit, she is pissed off and bleeding from her vagina and you get back in the bed to lay awake and listen to the dog scratch himself till he is bleeding, he has a tooth ache too and he gets his taken care of and your head is on fire from infection in your throbbing molar, school is going to shit and you decide you had better get a job, so you do and start to pay her back, but your still a thief and a liar, so she starts in by leaving you out of stuff and treating you different and you get most of the 221.00 + 350.00 + 150. 00 paid back inside of a month at your own peril. With a 178.00 balance due and she’s acting like a debt collector at week 5 and nothing you have done, the chores, the cooking, the picking up the dog, being a plumber for her house and her friends doesn’t buy you any slack. She stays out late on you, treats you different, lies to you, acts loud when you ask why did you stand me up, then rants on you until you are packing your shit and here I am writing about this back in my shack in the middle of the night wondering what the fuck happened? Asking myself what I want to do with myself after I pay her back the rest of her cash on Friday and it is clear she really isn’t going to get better from all of this and the world is wide open and I should leave her in her apartment with her mortgage her fucked up HOA and itchy dog with her precious shit. The city is a cold place and it can be colder, and people throw each other away like refuse, they are mean and insufferable, yes, I said it. Rock star musicians, who have chosen an urban burial ground and are aging out fast, and vain ambitions are put before interests of the heart, I’ll just be another underlying mention is a verse soon to be forgotten in a struggling heap of attention seekers. I was a muse for a lackluster man hating daisy cutter who is pissed off at the whole fucking world who is slowly given to the vino and spends her time in the bars still trying to maintain herself in her position of nothing. Fuck this town, fuck these ruthless assholes. I ‘m worried she killed her birds to keep from killing me, that shit didn’t add up. It’s 3:30 I’m tired finally and she still hates me, I still owe her and I still have to go to work to pay of all this shit.   

It has been a week since I begged for your forgiveness, you acknowledged and banished me.

Everything said and done to this points to the uncertainty of your sincerity

Perhaps as a friend pointed out that when I lifted my mask and revealed a not so shiny side of myself

you revealed the conditional love that was part of your arrangement.

Yes, the construct I had to fit into, the one where you revealed your colors

The perfect world I disrupted.

The hurt set in as I watched in horror the disassembly of our vows of unity

You said you left a trail for me to find my way back to you

It was a riddle, there were no clues

You just did as you pleased and kept the cards up your sleeve

I was lucky and there was the providence of trusting my gut

Everything you accuse me of, could be said of you

I just hold a mirror, and you do what you do

Your world I tried to fit in is small, and you take all the air left in the room

You say you are rock and roll, but I really see a conformist

Everything you construct and erect is a prop, a costume, an attempt to fit in

Every name you drop, every tune you flop, waiting for a break and afraid of mistakes

Leaves your heart barren as your womb

This was not a love to remember for long, but an entanglement to learn from forever

Airing it Out

Getting honest about choosing to rebound and my needs being put upon an unwitting victim.

I left a bad relationship in anger and chose to date someone I thought I respected on social media.

I meant to only date this person and have fun with someone else, instead they were immediately

available to start a relationship. I was still processing my anger and grief from the last relationship and

wasn’t completely available. Instead I made the poor choice to try and get over girl number 1 while

 fostering a new relationship with the new girl.

The subject arose about sex and intimacy, the thing I missed about girl number 1 was that she was a sexual athlete, a well-balanced eater, non-drinker and in extremely good condition physically. New girl on the other hand, well she was dealing with a hip defect, she couldn’t walk normally, she had a hard time with her hips that made it difficult and painful to spread her legs while getting busy, so it required a great deal of me shifting gears to accommodate her physical mechanics. I was used to power walking for cardio with girl number 1, new girl was out of breath fast and had to remind me to slow down. New girl was honest about having herpes outbreaks and had that talk with me and, although I have never had an outbreak, many women I have been with had herpes. I asked my doctor to test me the last time I had a std checkup and he advised me not to and said it invites too many implications and that more people have it than don’t once they are adults and begin having sex unprotected with others.  I told her it was quite possible that I already have it. She was post-menopausal, had irregular bleeding, and a case of vaginitis that made it difficult to want to go down on her, I was honest, and she got it handled. She was honest about her affinity for daily wine. I really felt at home with this lady, my mistake was moving too quickly and getting involved too deeply and avoiding the pain that was surfacing by avoiding my own construct of a life which in a few months would come crashing down on me and I would be punished by my own avoidance. I literally quit going home and neglected my mail, my obligations and as a starving student, I tried to keep up with her with all the binging she liked to do, she would go out several times a week and was willing to pay for me, but my pride would get in the way and I ran through my financial aid award and the small after school job was serving to pay my child support. The consequences were that I lost my storage unit, in which caused me a great deal of remorse and grief in turn alerted my new love that I was hiding things internally, going on; causing her not to trust me. I wound up having to borrow money from her in a panic with no clear plan, only an idea of how I might pay it back, which would fall through. Things began to unravel and I had fallen in love with her, was feeling I was getting past the past, but I had a train wreck and shut down and couldn’t tell her I was dishonest, I had used her to get over someone else that I was at a loss for, I used her for the comforts she offered, I used her as a place to dump my emotions, and dump my seed in. I stood by and watched her unravel from me, began departing emotionally, began drinking and hanging out and doing things with others and avoid breaking up with me, but kept me around so she could ventilate her anger. She, being an entirely complex educated person, mature in many ways, but her ability to express herself venomously and physical arose, things were starting to happen and there were unexplained things starting to happen, she literally was becoming Kali and was about to hand me my head on a stick.

So here I was, reactive and angry about two women, and if I am honest, a few more than that. She ultimately asked for space, and I could feel her leaving orbit and as the week wore on, I had a break in school and decided I needed to talk. I called and texted, she was not getting back to me. I started to make my way across town, and I had anxiety in the pit of my stomach as I made my way through traffic, what was I to find? Was it Doug and her? What was it? I had a key and a door code, I parked my car, went to the door and my heart sank as I entered the numbers and they didn’t work, just then a neighbor that was familiar with me was coming out and I went in and said thanks. I went to her door put my key in, and she wasn’t there, but her dog was glad to see me. I found what I was looking for, the notes on the table revealed her time off from me was her in fact just cleaning up my stuff and getting me ready for the boot. She had an estimate of new locks and rekeying. I had some mangoes and things with me I thought we would eat, and instead I took the time to scrawl with my sharpie in my pocket on each one Let’s be friends, 3 words, three mangoes, but by god I was pissed at her underhanded way of not just asking for the key back. I told her not to contact me on my angry goodbye note, gathered all the things I could find and remember. I packed my car, went back across town, and realized I still had valuables in her place. The next day was pay day, all of this forced me into action to get a job and pay her back as quickly as I could, I stopped by a mutual friend’s house and dropped the remaining money from the loan on him. I was still angry, and she was angry in the manner that I left and got my stuff (“I was sneaky”).

I took very little satisfaction on springing her trap and getting to initiate the parting blow. I had left instruction that I didn’t want contact. I wanted to control the situation, I wanted her to suffer the humiliation of being dumped. I must ask myself the basic question. Didn’t I initiate all of this? Did I not ask her out? Did I not hide that I needed more time to get over girl number 1? Did I not hide a few things that would make her distrust me? I ham-handed this breakup, as stated earlier; did I not use her in several ways? It sucks. I not only lost someone that I had grown to care deeply for, I lost my self-respect, lost the friend I had made. She contacted me with an element of kindness, she was feeling bad, since she contacted me after I asked for a clean break, I just pretty much said whatever I wanted, carelessness was the theme and I shoved her away. I attacked her disfunction and her pride. It is only after some time to reflect, I have remorse for the way I have hurt her in resulting in that “I am not welcome”.

I have nothing but time to reflect now, not morbidly, but time to get my shit together and see my part and grow up some more and try to do things differently. If I am given another chance to have a tender intimate relationship, I say to myself; less disfunction, more honesty, less codependency, more responsibility towards others emotional safety. I was reckless.

You killed the birds.

Not, who killed the birds?

One on top of the other,

One grieving, one fallen.

Your fake cries said all

Wasn’t good enough to have a survivor

You smothered him too

Did you squeeze them gently to sleep?

Perhaps sonically you penetrated

Your face contorted

You screamed STOP IT!

I can’t stand that noise!

I saw you then

You know I saw you then

I saw your anger, I saw your hate

It was dark, and I missed this the first time

You killed those birds

A blood sacrifice, to raise the knife

To you and I

Gathered your courage

Garnered your strength

You organized me

Like I couldn’t see

Neatly, timely, orderly,

When you gave an empty hug to my child

When he set fire to the towel

Your face contorted

He said, I can smell her death

I saw you then

You are so nice on the surface

But your hate runs deep

From lens of your eyes

Project onto the movie screen called me

I listened to your words I heard all your lyrics

Dark and hollow

Black magic to kill tomorrow

You killed those birds

I know you killed one in my presence

You killed the other while I was away